Thirty Days
by Tanuki-chan
Summary: *sasunaru* It’s a normal day . . . until Sasuke’s rich and spoiled fiancée appears. Now, Sasuke and Naruto have one month to either get rid of her, or face the consequences – lifelong doom/torture and the end of ramen.
1. Sasuke Has a WHAT?

**Title:** Thirty Days

**Author:****Tanuki-chan**

**Summary:** *sasunaru* It's a normal day . . . until Sasuke's rich and spoiled fiancée appears.  Now, Sasuke and Naruto have one month to either get rid of her, or face the consequences – lifelong doom/torture and the end of ramen.

**Warning:****Shounen-ai!  That means boy/boy love!  If you have a problem with that, then let me point out something – the back button's not only there for decoration, you know.**

**Disclaimer:** Um . . . I own this shoe! ^_^ No, wait . . . that's owned by Nike. -_-;

//. . .// indicates thoughts

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~ indicates scene change

It was a normal morning.  The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and everything was right with the world.  

That is, until the peacefulness was shattered by a scream.

Make that several screams.

"KYAAAAA~AAAA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SASUKE-KUN!!"

"Sasuke-kun!  I made a present for you!"

"I have tickets to the festival they're holding tonight!  Want to come with me?"

"I LOVE YOU, SASUKE-KUN!"

Uchiha Sasuke, newly 16, groaned and buried his head into his pillows, trying to drown out the squeals outside his apartment door.  //Seven o'clock.  How the hell did they get here so early?!//  

Realizing that going back to sleep was impossible, he got up and staggered towards his closet.  The girls, if possible, grew louder.  Sasuke didn't bother listening to what they were saying – it all boiled down to the same thing, anyway.

"Sasuke, I've liked you since I was five!"

"Oh, yeah?  I've liked him since I was two!"

"You didn't even know him then!"

"Sasuke, hold me!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.  "Sasuke, I'm a stupid female who can't control her hormones and decided to bother you when you were obviously sleeping," he mocked.  "Now kiss me!"  He pulled out a rope specifically measured to get him to the ground safely.  Ever since his thirteenth birthday, where he was forced to jump out of his window and sprain his wrist, he had learned to carry a means of escape whenever a holiday, especially one that had to do with presents/love, was approaching.  He flung the rope out of his window and started climbing down the building.

"OIII~III!  WHAT'S UP, BIRTHDAY BOY?!"

"GAH!" Startled, Sasuke let go of the rope and landed on the ground with a thud.  He opened his eyes to find a certain blond boy laughing his head off.

"HAHAHAHAHA!  You should've seen your face!  You looked like a fish!"

"Dobe . . ." Sasuke growled.

Naruto suddenly grinned evilly.  "Tsk, tsk.  Running away from your loyal fans?  They deserve to know where you are."

Sasuke's eyes widened.  "Don't you dare, dobe!"

But it was too late.  Naruto cleared his throat and shouted towards the open window.  "OI!  UCHIHA-SAN'S DOWN HERE!"  

Sasuke swore and picked himself up as the sound of a stampede drew near.  Naruto leered at him.  "Better run fast, birthday boy.  Your fanclub sounds eager!"

"Damn you, asshole!" Sasuke cursed over his shoulder as he sped away.

~*~*~_ O_O =^-^=*~*~*

Naruto lounged in the clearing Kakashi had chosen for their training.  He blinked as Sakura emerged.  "Ne, Sakura-chan, what are you doing here?  I thought you'd be chasing Sasuke with the girls."

Sakura sniffed.  "For your information, we weren't chasing him.  Sheesh, you make us sound like rabid dogs or something.  And I'm obviously here to train – ah!  Kakashi-sensei, you're late!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.  "Sasuke's not here yet?  Damn, I'm earlier than I thought."  He pulled out a notebook.  "Note to self:  Arrive thirty minutes later than usual tomorrow."

Naruto and Sakura fell over.  "Hah! I knew it!" the boy cried.  "You turn up late on purpose, don't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kakashi replied innocently.  "Where is Sasuke, by the way?"

Naruto snickered.  "Oh, he should be showing up any minute now."

As if on cue, Sasuke appeared, gasping for air, his shirt torn in several places.  "I . . . hate . . . you, Naruto," he rasped out, then collapsed on the ground, his chest heaving.

Kakashi sweatdropped, but continued.  "Anyway, now that we're all here, I have an announcement to make.  A girl will be staying with us for a month."

Sakura interrupted him.  "Is she a ninja, then?"

Kakashi scowled.  "Hardly.  Her family is incredibly rich and holds tremendous power over political decisions in Japan.  Basically, she's saying that if we don't let her stay, she'll exile the Hokage and all ninjas."

"WHAT?!" yelped all three students.

"Nuh-uh, there is _no way she can do that!" declared Naruto vehemently._

"Unfortunately, she can.  So we're stuck babysitting Hime for a month, and we have to be extra nice to her while we're at it.  Sasuke, she demanded to sleep in your apartment, so you'll have to move in with Naruto."

In midst of the two boys cursing, Sakura asked "Is her name really Hime?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes.  "Yeah.  Merisu Hime," he said. **[1]******

Sasuke froze.  "W-wait, did you just say her name was Merisu Hime?"

Kakashi nodded.

"A-ah!   I just remembered something!" Sasuke stammered.  "I have some, uh, family business to attend to and I'll be gone for the entire month!"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes.  "Your family's dead."

Sasuke laughed nervously.  "Really?  I mean, of course they are!  I have to, um, sort out the will and everything, you know."

"Since you're the last surviving member of the Uchiha clan, I should think that everything would be left you."

"Well, there's Itachi and stuff . . . ."

"You hate your brother."

"Who, Itachi?  No, I don't!  Whatever gave you that idea?"

Kakashi opened his mouth, but was interrupted by a bright, annoyingly high-pitched voice.  "Sasuuuu~uuke-kun! Long time no see!  I missed you!"

Sasuke paled.  //Oh, gods, _no . . ._//_ He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and turned around._

"Hello, Hime-chan," he said, plastering a fake smile on his face.  "What brings you here?"

There was only one word to describe the girl behind him, and that was petite.  She was slim with long, cascading black hair.  Her face was heart-shaped, and she was at least a foot shorter than Sakura.  Her skin looked like it had never seen the sun before.  She _radiated hearts, rainbows, bluebirds, and cute fluffy kittens._

Hime giggled and latched onto his waist, much to the jealousy of a certain pink-haired ninja.  "Oooh, Sasuke, you silly goose," she cooed, batting her eyelashes.  "Did you forget our contract?"

//I damn wish I could've!//  "Of course not, Hime-chan," he gritted out.

"Wait," interjected Naruto.  "What contract?"

Hime stared at him, evidently noticing the other three people in the clearing for the first time.  She scowled.  "Sasuke, whatever are you doing with these," she wrinkled her nose in distaste, "_commoners_?"

"Nani?!" cried Naruto.  "What did you call me?!"

Sasuke sighed.  "Hime-chan, these are my – " 

Hime tittered.  "Oh, I get it!"  She peered at Naruto.  "You're one of Sasuke's servants, aren't you?"

Naruto turned red in rage.  "_Servant?!_ To _HIM_?  You've got to be kidding me!" he spluttered.

Sasuke groaned, feeling a headache coming on.  "Ho, Hime-chan, these are my teammates, Sakura and Naruto, and that's my teacher Kakashi."

Hime gasped.  "You mean you're forced to work with . . . _them?  That's horrible, Sasuke!"  She ignored Naruto's growl.  "And how can a lowly man of no status possibly teach you _anything_?"_

Sasuke rubbed his temples.  "Hime-chan, why don't you go unpack?" he suggested.  Hime beamed.

"That's a great idea!  We're going to have so much _fun together, Sasuke!"  She turned around and didn't just walk – she __flounced. _

The 'commoners' watched her go, and when she flounced out of sight, turned towards Sasuke.

"How do you know her?" demanded Sakura.

"What contract?" asked Naruto.

"Do I really have no status?" mused Kakashi.

Sasuke sweatdropped.  "Compared to her, yes, you have no status whatsoever.  As for the contract, my parents drew one up that would take place on my sixteenth birthday.  And as for how I know her . . ." Sasuke took a deep breath.  "She's my fiancée."

Sakura fainted.

~*~*~_ O_O =^-^=~*~*~

That night . . . .

"Sasuuu~uuke!  Where are you?"

Naruto winced as the annoying voice reached his ears.  He opened the door.  "Keep it down," he snarled.  "Some of us are trying to sleep, you know!"

Hime gasped.  "Y-you filthy animal!" she shrieked.  "You have no right to talk to me like that!"

Naruto blew up.  "I can talk any damn way I want, you got that?  Now, why don't you go soak that over bloated head of yours in the toilet!  I'll help!"

Hime's eyes filled with tears.  "You . . . How dare you . . . My father will make you pay dearly . . ."

"Oh, I'm terrified now," Naruto sneered, watching with satisfaction as the girl ran away sobbing.

He shook his head slowly.  "Damn, that girl's worse than Sasuke.  I almost pity him."  

"Glad to here that, dobe," muttered a voice.  

Naruto jumped, and almost screamed as Sasuke's head popped out from under his bed, along with a suitcase.  "Wha-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!  GET YOUR STUFF OUT OF HERE NOW!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.  "Relax, dobe."  He unrolled his futon.  "We're sharing your room, remember?"

"Oh, yeah . . ." said Naruto sheepishly.  He blinked.  "What were you doing under my bed, anyway?"

"Hiding."

"What's this?" remarked Naruto sarcastically.  "The great Uchiha Sasuke, heir to the Uchiha clan, is afraid of a little girl?  The world's coming to an end!"

"Oh, shut up," snapped Sasuke.  "Trust me, a few more days and you'll be hiding with me."

Naruto snorted.  "Whatever." He climbed on his bed and yawned.

"You shouldn't have snapped back at her, you know," said a quiet voice.  "She's really pissed at you now."

Naruto scowled.  "Who, that sissy?  What can she do to hurt me?"

"Oh, I don't know.  She _could_ exile you from Japan for the rest of your life, or she could just put a 1,000,000 yen 'wanted' fee over your head."

Naruto gaped at the genius chunnin.  "She can do that?  Seriously?"

Sasuke snorted.  "How else do you think she pulled my parents into signing the damn contract?  She threatened to take away our property and titles."  He laughed bitterly.  "'Course, it didn't matter anyway, seeing how they're dead now."

"Sasuke . . ."

Sasuke turned over.  "Go to sleep, dobe."

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~

The next morning . . .

Naruto yawned and sat up, realizing Sasuke already left.  'Figures.'   He brushed his teeth, got dressed, opened the door, and blinked.  Hime was standing in front of him, looking down shyly.

"Naruto-kun, I was thinking about what happened yesterday and . . .  well, I was really rude.  If there's any way to make it up to you . . ."

Naruto stared.  "Uh . . ." he commented intelligently.

"I know!  Why don't I treat you for breakfast?  What do you like to eat?"

Naruto perked up.  At last, a question he knew the answer to! "Ramen!"

Hime smiled.  "Alright, do you know any ramen shops nearby?"

Naruto grinned.  //Maybe she's not so bad, after all.//

"Hai!  Let's go!"

They reached the shop without any incidents.  The shopkeeper waved as his number-one customer sat down.

"Hey, Naruto!  What'll it be?"

"I'll take a miso ramen, and Merisu-san here will have . . . ah . . ." He elbowed Hime, who was looking around the shop with an unusually thoughtful expression.

"Hm? Oh!  I'll have the same, please."  She leaned in towards Naruto.  "So, you like this place, Uzumaki-kun?"

Naruto grinned widely.  "Hell yeah!  I spend half my day here!  I could live in this place!"

"I see.  And what about the location?"

Naruto blinked, clueless.  "Huh? What about it?"

Hime sighed, trying to keep her patience.  "I mean, can you get here easily from somewhere else, say . . . Sasuke's place?"

Naruto scratched his head.  "I don't visit Sasuke all that often, but yeah, his apartment's pretty close."

Hime beamed.  "Thank you, Uzumaki-kun!  You don't know how helpful you've been!"

"Eh?  Helpful? Me?"

"That's right!" she squealed.  "I've been looking for a place to build a new shopping mall, and this place is perfect!  Great scenery, and it's near Sasuke's apartment!"

"B-but what about the ramen shop?!" spluttered Naruto.

Hime smirked nastily.  "Ah.  Well, I'll have to tear it down, but don't worry.  The mall will carry sashimi and other delicacies – none of this fattening junk."

"You can't do that!"

"But the thing is, I already have," she leered.  "Oh, and did I forget to mention one more bonus?  You obviously like it here, so imagine my satisfaction from getting rid of it."  And with that, she turned around and flounced out the door.  Naruto could only gape wordlessly.  

"Told you not to piss her off."

He whirled around.  "Damn it, Sasuke!  How long have you been standing there?"

Sasuke shrugged.  "Long enough."

"Well, do something!  You're a genius!  God knows you've had enough time to form a plan!"

The black-haired boy gazed at Naruto expressionlessly.  "Actually, I _do have a plan, but I'm going to need your help."_

"I'll do anything!"

Sasuke's face lit up into an evil smile.  "Ah.  I was wondering when you'd say that."

~TBC~

**[1] – '**Merisu' was derived from the term Mary-Sue, which is an OC who's perfect – she's beautiful, has a tragic past, is five times more powerful than any of the other characters, and falls in love with the cutest character of the show.  Luckily, Naruto has not yet been plagued by these awful beasts, but check out the Yu Yu Hakusho section – for every 50 stories, there are at least 25 Mary-Sues.  Oh, and Hime means princess.  Fitting, no?

**Author's Notes:**  Well, how was it?  Expect an update sometime in the next month or so – I get lazy.  Of course, the best cure for laziness is a healthy dose of reviews! ^_^


	2. The Plans

**Title:** Thirty Days

**Author:****Tanuki-chan**

**Summary:** *sasunaru* It's a normal day . . . until Sasuke's rich and spoiled fiancée appears.  Now, Sasuke and Naruto have one month to either get rid of her, or face the consequences – lifelong doom/torture and the end of ramen.

**Warning:****Shounen-ai!  That means boy/boy love!  Any flames I receive about the pairing will be reflected back and laughed at!**

**Disclaimer:** *shrugs* What do YOU think?  I _could be__ Masashi Kishimoto . . . but I'm probably not._

**Author's Notes:**  *sweatdrops* Heh heh . . . gomen about the slow update! ^_^U Unfortunately, there isn't any shounen-ai in this chapter, and it's not as funny as I hoped, but  . . . well, just read it!  Oh, and a special thanks to Bronze Eagle, who pointed out that Naruto doesn't actually take place in Japan.  *feels stupid* I knew that . . .

Muse: *looks at lie detector* She's lying~!

TC: *bops muse* So for the purposes of this fic, let's assume that it IS in Japan.  Anyways, sankyuu to all the reviews!  I thought I was only going to get, like, two . . . *hands Sasuke-shaped cookies to reviewers*

//. . .// indicates thoughts

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~ indicates scene change

Before a war occurs, there must be a plan.  This particular one takes place in a room filled with hundreds of females, ages ranging from ten to twenty.  A pink-haired girl banged a gavel against the podium. 

"Attention!"  Sakura called out.  "This emergency meeting of the Club of Rampaging Uchiha Sasuke Hunters (C.R.U.S.H.) is now in session.  I would like to start off with a review of our rules."

There were a few groans, but Sakura ignored them and whipped out a large poster.

RULES OF THE C.R.U.S.H.

1. Members may flirt with Sasuke as much as they want; however, intimate touching is forbidden unless Sasuke initiates it.

2. If a member succeeds in capturing Sasuke's heart, she must inform the entire fanclub.

3. There will be absolutely NO backstabbing.

4. All members must join together and mob Sasuke on a holiday (i.e., White's Day, Valentine's Day, Christmas, etc.).  For a complete list of the 196 mob-able holidays, see Sakura.

5. ONLY SINGLE GIRLS ARE ALLOWED.  No, Naruto, your 'Sexy no Jutsu' form does NOT count as a girl!

6. The fanclub will band together and get rid of any threat that stands in their way.

7. No violence against other members. 

8. All members must support the girl Sasuke chooses.

"Okay, now that that's over, I'd like to congratulate all of you on the excellent mob yesterday.  Remember, National Hug Day is only two months away, so mark your calendars!"

Sakura cleared her throat.  "And now . . . the real reason why I organized this meeting.  It's come to my attention that Sasuke has a fiancée."

The room went dead silent.

Then . . . 

"WHAT?!"

"No way!"

"What should we do now?!"

"It's not possible!"

Sakura tried to shout over the babble of voices, but to no avail.  "Damn!" she cursed.  Just then she felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Ino flash her a brief smile.  "On the count of three, okay?" whispered the blond girl.

"One . . .

Two . . . 

Three!"

"QUIIIII~IIIIET!!!" the two girls screamed.

Sakura quickly took advantage of the ensuing hush that followed.  "Don't worry – Sasuke obviously hates the girl. "  There were sighs of relief all around.  "But we have to act quick – from what I've heard, they're getting married in a month."

She removed the 'Rules . . .' poster and replaced it with a large photograph of Hime's face.  "This is the face of your target, Merisu Hime.  See it.  Memorize it.  Know it.  I don't care how many rumors you spread or how low you stoop as long as we get rid of her.  Even if," she swallowed, "Even if we have to ruin Sasuke's reputation."

Horrified murmurs spread throughout the room and slowly changed into determined assents.  Sakura grinned in relief – it seemed everyone understood the circumstances and were willing to make sacrifices.  "Alright then!" she cried.  "Let's go make Hime's stay at Konoha a living hell!"  

The girls cheered and charged out the door, whooping.  Sakura slumped into a chair and closed her eyes briefly.  When she opened them, she found Ino staring at her with her hand out.  "What do you want, Ino-pig?" she grumbled.

Ino scowled, but continued sticking out her hand.  "A temporary truce.  Until this Hime problem is solved."

Sakura eyed Ino suspiciously, wondering what the blond could be up to.  After a minute, she shrugged.  "Fine," she said, shaking Ino's outstretched hand.

Ino grinned slightly and sat down. "So, what's the real plan?"

"Hm?"

Ino rolled her eyes.  "You're supposed to be intelligent, remember?  You must've come up with _something_ else besides a couple of rumors and a few lousy pranks."

Sakura chuckled.  "You know me pretty well, ne?  I _do have another strategy, but that's only as a last resort."  _

"Whatever. By the way . . ." Ino glanced at Sakura, "You _are sure Sasuke hates this girl, right?  I mean, we don't want to get rid of his true love, or anything."_

The pink-haired ninja snorted.  "Trust me, Sasuke despises her.  In fact, I bet you he already came up with his own plan . . . ."

Meanwhile . . . 

"NO FUCKIN' WAY IN HELL AM I GONNA AGREE WITH THIS DAMN PLAN!"

"Listen, dobe, do you want Ichiraku to be torn down? It's the only way!"

"YOU SICKO-HENTAI!  FUCK OFF!"

"Fine, but don't blame me if you never eat another bowl of ramen again!"

"Bastard!"

"Dead-last!"

"Asshole!"

"Idiot!"

Why are our two favorite ninjas (or my two favorite ninjas, at any rate) fighting?  In order understand this, you must go back four years to where the two rivals first locked gazes and felt that surge of hate flash between them.

Or you could just go back several hours . . . 

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~

Sometime ago . . . 

"So what's your extra special idea that requires my assistance?" asked Naruto, perched lazily on his bed.

Sasuke fidgeted slightly, wanting to put that topic off until the last possible moment.  "First of all, you have to know a few things about Hime."  He hefted out a thick book about six inches wide.  

Naruto blanched.  "I am NOT reading that!"

Sasuke shrugged.  "It doesn't matter – I've already gone through it ten times.  This is the contract for our marriage."

Naruto's eyes grew huge.  "Waaah! It's enormous!"

Sasuke snorted.  "I've gotten the best lawyers in the country to look at it.  There are NO loopholes whatsoever."

Naruto flipped through the papers avidly, and then paused when he reached the last page.  "Sasuke . . . isn't this Itachi's signature?"

"Of course it is, dobe.  Hime's pledged to marry the heir to the Uchiha clan, and Itachi was the heir when this contract was created."  Sasuke rolled his eyes.  "Sometimes, I think the only reason my brother massacred our parents was to get out of marrying her."

"Wait a minute . . . Hime was the one who persuaded her parents to arrange this, right?"

"Yeah – she used to have a HUGE crush on Itachi."

Naruto blinked.  "And Itachi hated her?"

Sasuke stared at him incredulously.   "Have you been listening to me, or are you just thick?  Of course he hated her!  Hell, who doesn't?"

"So why didn't he just kill her?"

"Well . . . remember when Kakashi said Hime wasn't a ninja?  That's not entirely true – she does know one attack.  But it's powerful enough to defeat anyone . . . even my brother."

Naruto whistled, impressed.  "Wow . . . what's it called?"

"It's called . . ." 

Naruto leaned in slightly.

". . . the glomp."

The blond boy fell over, twitching.  "That's _it?  _Itachi lost to a _hug_?"

Sasuke glared at him, miffed at the suggestion that any Uchiha could possibly fall to a mere embrace.  "Not a hug, the GLOMP.  As in, THE glomp.  She invented it, mastered it, and fine-tuned it enough to annoy someone but not kill them."

"You want me to believe Itachi, who's possibly even stronger than Orochimaru and Kakashi, was conquered with a _glomp_?!"

Sasuke scowled.  "Hey, I was there, okay?  She latched onto his waist for FIVE days, and the only times she let go was to go to the bathroom!  We had to feed her because she insisted on staying in his lap!  We barely managed to pry her off, and the only reason she succumbed was because the circulation to his legs was cut off!"

Naruto sweatdropped.  "Okay, okay, I get the point.  So how do you plan on getting rid of her?"

"Technically, I can't.  The contract specifically states that if I withdraw from the marriage, I'd be forfeiting my title, fortune, and land.  Unfortunately, the term 'ninja' counts as a title, so I've got two options – either she drops dead of her own accord, or she breaks the marriage before me."

"So all we got to do is kill her!"

Sasuke gave him the Are-You-Really-This-Stupid-Or-Are-You-Just-Trying-To-Piss-Me-Off-Look™ (not to be confused with the 'Are-You-Really-This-Annoying-Or-Do-You-Just-Want-Me-To-Beat-You-Up-Look™').  "I know this may be a new experience for you, but try to think, dobe," he snapped, ignoring Naruto's indignant snarl.  "We can't kill her – that would make us murderers and we'd probably be outlawed.  If she dies of a heart attack, we'd be let off, but I think doctors would realize that a shuriken stuck in someone's throat usually doesn'tinficate heart failure."

Naruto glared at the black-haired shinobi, still seething. "So, genius, what's this supreme plan?"

"There are three things Hime hates in the world more than anything else."  He held up three fingers.  "One – poor people, or commoners.  Two – insubordinates."  He sighed as he saw Naruto's blank expression.  "People who don't listen to her," he clarified.

"I knew that, dumbass!"

"Whatever, dobe.  And three – homosexuals.  She's the biggest homophobic I've ever seen – and trust me, I've met quite a few."

"So she's afraid of gay people?"

"That's generally what the term 'homophobic' implies, yes."

"Shut up!  And how do you know that, anyway?!"

"It's called a vo-cab-u-lary, dobe.  Try using it sometime, it's very helpful."

The blond flushed angrily.  "That's not what I meant, bastard!  How do you know she doesn't like faggots?"

Sasuke winced slightly at the crude term, but ignored it.  "Because her expression turns to pure disgust when she sees anything that may suggest homosexuality; because she's considers 'gay' to be the one of the ultimate insults, second only to 'poor'; and because she's tried to pass several laws prohibiting gay rights."

"What does any of this have to do with anything?"

"Itachi tried to get rid of her by pretending he had a boyfriend in order to disgust her enough to call it quits.  It _almost worked, except . . ." Sasuke trailed off._

"Except what?" prompted Naruto.

Sasuke shrugged.  "Hime's the densest person in all three worlds.  He couldn't say he was gay outright in case our parents decided to kick him out or something.  She left in a week none the wiser.  A few days after that . . ." Sasuke laughed bitterly.  "Well, you know what happened."

Naruto stared at the genius shinobi, fascinated.  This was the first time he had ever heard Sasuke talk about Itachi and his parents' deaths without using the words 'kill', 'bastard', and 'revenge'.  Obviously, Sasuke loathed the girl enough to ignore his hatred of his brother, and was desperate to get rid of her.

Desperate enough to do anything . . . .

The wheels in Naruto's brain started to click together.

"You can't expect me to . . ." whispered Naruto hoarsely.

Sasuke managed to grimace and smirk at the same time.  "I believe we should continue where my brother left off, ne?"

~*~*~_O_O=^-^=~*~*~

Back to the present . . .

"Loser!"

"Moron!  And I've got a hundred more insults to throw at you, so unless you wanna stay here for another hour, I suggest you shut up!"

Naruto sighed.  "Listen, Sasuke, I know I'm hot and you can't resist me, and I'm sorry for breaking your heart, but I don't swing that way!  Besides, I like Sakura!" **[1]**

Sasuke's eye twitched.  "Don't flatter yourself.  I only date _people, not brainless slugs who can't tell the difference between mud and humans."  He realized, too late, that offending someone is usually not the best way to go when you want their help. _Oops . . . __

Naruto fumed.  "Oh yeah?  Well, you can take your plans and shove them up your ass!"

Sasuke opened his mouth, about to retort, when his brain finally caughtup with his anger.  _Guess I better swallow my pride for now.   _"Listen, I'm . . ." He choked, but managed to force the word out. ". . . sorry."

Naruto grinned.  "Really?"

_No, I'm not, asshole!  _"Yeah."

"All right, I'll do it."

Sasuke gaped at the blond, not sure he heard correctly.  "What?"

"Are you deaf? I said, I'll do it."

_Yes!_ Sasuke cheered mentally.

"For a price, of course."

_Damn!  _"Fine.  What do you want?" asked Sasuke warily.

"First of all, I want you to buy me ramen for a month."

That wasn't too bad – Naruto usually begged him for money anyways.  "All right, what else?" 

"Secondly, I want you to use my name.  No more 'dobe' crap."

"Okay, anything else, do--" Sasuke shut his mouth.  

The blond smirked.  "You can do it, Sasuke.  Na-ru-to."

"Anything else, Na…ru…to…?"  Sasuke ground out.

"Yeah, I want you to be my slave for a day."

"WHAT?!"

"Do it or I won't help you."

Sasuke felt like slamming his head against a wall.  "Fine!  That's only _if it works, though!"_

Naruto grinned.  "Very well, Sasuke-_chan_."

_I will not kill him.  I will not kill him.  I will not kill him.  _Sasuke repeated over and over.

This was going to be a _long month._

~TBC~

**Author's Notes:** Well, how was it.  Anyways, expect some yaoi goodness in the next chapter!  Oh, and Itachi shows up as well!  Review, please!


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